Am compelled to write this ! ...

What compels me to write all this?

If you read this completely you are one of the best in the world – who is really patient.

If you try to analyze this and streamline what I intend to and what should I be doing as a solution – Apart from bowing down I don’t have a better way to recognize what you have done and at the same time it doesn’t mean that am looking for a solution.

This is more like a state of mind - which is stable, transient between phases, matured in waiting for the ball to move between the courts, not matured in what needs to be done next.

Aha! This is going to be quite exciting to you not to feel from one’s shoes but from one’s heart. (Wow! Am trying to advertise what I had written – oh cool man! ). Framing of sentence would be in such a way that I trigger questions to me and questions as though triggered by you. (Hey, come on! you don’t have to explain all these)

Blaming on somebody is quite easy and I would like to do that here. I would blame on the song “unnarugil varugayil “ from kalloori. Isn’t that silly what ever that you are writing. Why should I write all this? And who cares about this. Do you want to make it a show that you want somebody to read this? Or do you have a cinematic imagination that somebody (the she) will read this and be your fan or much more than you imagine…

As everybody says… I had never been like this and right now in a real dilemma do I need to just continue with this or drop it as soon as possible or continue pursuing. What am I going to win if I pursue, am I a right choice to her or is she a right choice to me? Can I trust my opinion or like at the first sight? Is that trust worthy?

Am I alone in this world – Certainly no? So being a part of the society / environment, don’t I have to make sure that my decisions are not affecting others and not to think about my comforts alone? Is that important than everything? Do I need to wait for some more time to make sure that is just a transient feeling and not a real or permanent one? What if I don’t succeed in that? What if others read this, what would they think of me? Would they think bad or worse about me? But to the best of my knowledge I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?

How can I start? What phrases or words should I use? Do I need to by-heart the sentence and the words with the punctuation marks many times so that I don’t make any mistakes in the first opportunity that am going to create for myself? Would that be safer or better to start with – “Would you mind if I wish Happy New year to you both?” (Her friend also was there – I see her all the time, not that I see her friend – Its more like an association. OK I will stop with that). Would she reply for that? If somebody else writes something similar to this with so much of so called feelings, I would simply slap the writer with words. You could even reciprocate or echo what I said. That’s how I had been with authority and command; I feel ashamed before myself and don’t know whether I need to spend so much time on this.

I think writing in this is a nice way of diluting – hmmm no, not diluting actually to lessen my burden to an extent so that I can escape from pinching thoughts of her. No, the usage of the word – pinching is not right here; it’s not like that for sure.

I don’t know whether this would be funny to you or not- I had even many times thought of *Donating My Eyes* for the purpose (isn’t this silly?) of seeing her and with the assumption that she also would be donating her eyes so that our representatives ( both of our eyes ) would be seeing each other. More like we have won the time just as a photographic frame had won and time can do nothing about that. Hey come on dude! Is she that precious, beautiful, lovely? She should be nothing before a laughing child, the problem of starvation, helping the needy. Yes, that’s true I agree that and this is how I want to divert my concentration to something that is really more important. Then does that mean am narrating a story so far.. no definitely not and I don’t intend to do such thing. Something like – the best from both the worlds or from ‘n’ worlds. Am not greedy by the way and I can’t stop thinking of her. This is quite a unique concentration I had developed about her, nothing bad; nothing cheap – just thinking about her and nothing more than that.

Would I still continue blabbering something like this for my lifetime? What is the output am intended to get out of this process – unless the result is derived I won’t say this as a useless process. Ok, man what do you want from us or what do you intend to say? Had I known this … had I know this .. I am an ultra-matured person of handling everything to the best. Ok got it! Do you expect something unimaginable or supernatural to happen (usage of the word supernatural is too much for this)? Are you expecting that she would walk up to you and talk to you? If not talking to you at least to give a deliberate focused eye-to-eye contact? With this you become as though you are innocent and the girl is the one who is being the real starter of the process and give it a false shade that you are unaware of anything happening. Man, that girl just takes away my time – I want to retaliate that. Don’t worry am not going to take revenge – she doesn’t deserve that. Assume that she comes and speaks to you – Hi ! I am <>. (Gosh I don’t even know her name. Am not going to do anything constructive or progress even if I know her name.) Am sure you are going to just reply – Hi! I am <>. Apart from that what do you have to say, or do you have the guts to continue speaking with her? Yes I do have the guts else I just won’t be concentrating on her so badly. I know by guts and bravery you would have meant something different but that is not something I intend to or somebody with real guts intends to. Do you think just giving a hard concentration on just one girl in a park where there is innumerable number of channels or ways to get disturbed, I bet you dear you will just lose this bet? I know am strong and very powerful.

Am feeling a bit relaxed after writing this and I don’t know whether I had transitioned the burden to you, if so am sorry and I don’t recommend writing one such crap ;) I had written. Hmm.. What else I thought of sharing in this? Give me a second buddy!

[Now its early morning] Don’t you have any other better work in this fine morning apart from writing in this page? Are you expecting a word crazy from me? Ok say, what if she comes and talk to you. Would that be fine for you? Would you stop everything with that? Hmmm.. a good question. Kind of everything is done then. No crazy works like this, no tension, no deep thoughts .. Do you think such a thing would happen? …. I don’t think so. If you are in a loop its quite hard to bring you out of that but its possible. But in your case you form a loop for yourself and refuse to accept anything from others, for these kind of people its hard to get them out of the loop. You got to agree what am saying. Everything is ok and fine until you are good. Ensure that. Be good and take care.